Matti Behind The Scenes at DesteniProductions

writing

writing

right thing?

right(rite) in g?

wright ing

writ thing

I'm cleaning up my living space, getting rid of crap, paring down and  eliminating useless garbage. 

me

clothing

computer.     

ahhh, nearly there.

self forgiveness to clean up who I am within -  moving myself to act and direct me to clean up who I am without.  because what is the use of self forgiveness if I do not apply myself in my outer world? 

I change

I expand

I direct

I act

I clean shit up

lol

caring and love vs. realization and practical common sense

caring is an action we participate in because it's what we're told is 'good'
and 'right' and 'ethical' - we do it because we feel bad for someone 'other' than ourself

this is different from seeing that what exists on the earth is what we have created, and that it is actually ourselves that are experiencing the suffering -
so naturally you see that it must stop - so you go about doing what is practical to stop it

imagine you were blind and had always felt pain in your life but were not able to understand where the pain was coming from - you would then focus on the feelings which made you feel 'good' in order to dull the pain or try and forget about it.

then imagine that suddenly you could see! and you looked down and saw that you were standing on a field of sharp nails - ah ha! you would now see exactly and specifically where the pain was coming from - and it would be common sense to begin walking off of that field of sharp nails. and you would do everything in your power to walk away from that field of nails.

- what would not be common sense, would be to continue focusing on good feelings in the hope that the pain would go away.

so, as I see it, 'caring' takes place in the blindness of the mind.

practical correction of what we have allowed is possible when the 'I' is opened, when we realize for ourselves exactly what we have allowed and created in this world, and then we do what is practical to STOP it

what is it to actualize and live what I realize?    if i realize that all are within me as me,  the entire creation, existence -  then what exactly is keeping me from walking within this world moment to moment and unconditionally expressing me in every moment in self honesty?  

fear -   fear to let go of conditioned and habitual modes of communication and interaction with the people around me-    in being born into a family of beings and having spent my entire life with them,   I have formed relationships  with them,   specific patterns and habits of communications and interaction which have become modes which i go into when interacting with a specific being in my family.  this applies to friends, coworkers  as well.   I have learned to say things and do things around people according to the specific relationship i have with that person,   in other words, my actions and speech is governed and directed by the mode that i have created for myself in which to interact with a specific person. 

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to communicate and interact with people according to the relationship definition I have created for myself to exist in with a specific person

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define speaking as that which I do within these specific communication modes which I utilize when interacting with specific people

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as these modes and habits of communication and interaction

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in creating these modes and habits of interaction and communication according to the relationship I have with a person, I am separating that person from me, and allowing habitual modes of interaction based in the past to control and direct me in my interactions with people

If I am to actualize the realization that I am one and equal with and AS all beings, then I must not allow myself to continue to go into these limited modes of interaction -  which I have established according to the specific personality of a person in relationship to my specific personality.     I have found what 'works' best with specific people, in terms of communication using certain words and behaviors which create a seamless and conflict free interaction.

this is robotic, and ridiculous.   

to live my words, to create myself anew in this world, as this world,  to direct myself effectively within this world and amongst all beings in this world,   I must be able to stand alone and speak from my own starting point,  the starting point of me as all as one as equal.  without going into the specific modes of interaction , the programs of communication which I have established between me and other beings with whom I have relationships with -  for in doing this I am accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by programs,  controlled and directed by habitual modes of interaction -   stale behavior based in the past, instead of me expressing me as words unconditionally in every moment of communication with a being-   NO compromise,  NO exceptions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take words for granted

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that in taking words for granted I am accepting words as their definitions - therein allowing this world to be created by my participation in words as definition -  instead of  taking responsibility to purify words, and to live them as me - to no longer accept or allow words to direct me, but to direct words as me, by living them as me

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define people according to the words they write, therein separating them from me through defining them as their words, instead of unconditionally reading their words and stopping and applying self forgiveness if I react to or expect something within their words

I stand here as life as oneness and equality.  I do not accept or allow anything less than oneness and equality within me -  and if I am to stand one and equal with and as others in this world then I must not accept or allow myself to define others, to expect something of others according to a definition I have assigned them,  NO

till here no further

I do not accept or allow the definition of others within me -  this happens because I take what I have read and written, and then defined myself according to what I have read and written, created a personality for myself within my own words,   and then in seeing others' words, i define them according to their words, therein separating them from me -  and then reacting to words they speak or write according to what within their words challenges or goes against my own self definition.    

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself according to the words i write and read, instead of unconditionally reading and writing words as me -  and if a reaction or movement occurs -  STOP and apply self forgiveness -  look at the reaction - look at each point and stop it, for in continuing to allow reactions to come and go -  i am continuing to allow them within me, as me -  and i only continue to support separation and comparison and judgment in this world, through my own separation comparison and judgment within me,  of others words and actions

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge what someone has written before even reading all of it

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to speak and write from a starting point of wanting to defend information within me   

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to take information in and place it within me as definition, and then speak from the starting point of information within me

sleep

the tiredness which i experience is what i have accepted and allowed myself to experience through allowing myself to be controlled and directed by my mind. it is my mind that is tired and wants to sleep so that i can replenish and refresh itself -  and I am not the mind, so therefore I am not tiredness

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define me as tiredness

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe and expect to experience tiredness at the end of the day

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to accept tiredness instead of standing up within and as the experience of tiredness and realizing that it is not who i am, it is of the mind, and I am not the mind -  I am life, and life does not sleep,  I do no not sleep

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my body only requires just enough rest 0 and that the experience of tiredness is my mind wanting to sleep

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define tiredness as being too hard to stop and transcend 

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be apathetic about applying myself to tiredness, because me as the mind really wants to sleep - but I am not the mind. I am here as breath as life, standing within and as my body.  and I stand, I move and walk and direct me as life direct me as my body within and as this manifested world

I am here -  I am always here

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be enslaved by the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by my mind

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be directed by my mind

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be influenced by my mind

I forgive myself that i have allowed myself to perceive and believe that it is difficult to stop my mind , to stand up within tiredness and say NO.  I AM NOT THIS PERCEPTION,  I DO NOT ALLOW IT TO CONTROL ME

I STOP all perception of tiredness-  tiredness and awakeness is a polarity manifestation of the mind,  of consciousness and I am not consciousness, I am life, living awareness of me as all as one as equal, and I STAND as I am HERE in every moment of breath in every moment of me here

I walk through all, as all

I walk through the mind I direct the mind as the mind, not of the mind

I am in this world, I am within and as my body, within and as my mind, but I am not of this mind

I am not of perception I am only here as all as one as equal as life as who I AM AND I STAND UP   I DIRECT ME AS ALL as one as equal here as breath in every moment

I do not accept or allow compromise

I do not accept or allow doubt

I do not accept or allow hesitation

I do not accept or allow procrastination

I do not accept or allow myself to slip into the mind when bored

I give myself permission to remain here in every moment,  as me as presence as breath as life as me here always here, in every way and in every moment

I am in all things, me as life -  and I stand within and as all things as life as who I am in every moment,    always new,  always moving and yet still,  silent  -  expressing me as all existence here,  directing me as me here in every way within and as this world, within and as my life perspective here in this body

Till here no further.

I do not accept or allow within me anything less than me as life as all as one as equal in every moment.   no  exception  no compromise

I do not accept or allow the mind  to control me

I do not accept or allow thoughts to control me

I do not accept or allow feelings to control me

I do not accept or allow memories to control me

I am not pictures

I am not memories

I am not definitions

I am not the past,  nor am i the future or the present,  I am simply here, and I stand here and direct me here in this moment

I am grateful for this body,  this vehicle of me here within this world.   I move within and as my body here in this world,  and I direct all in oneness and equality as life as who I am here.  I am here

I am life

I am direction

I am stability

I am creation

I am creator

I am mover

I am movement

I am cultivation

I am application

I am practicality

I am discipline

I am self control as me as self as life

I am living words

I am words

I  speak 

I write

I express

I write me - I speak me

I live me

I direct me,  for me,  as me as all as one as equal

I stand and I stop the mind

within standing,   I stop the mind   I stop thoughts I stop feelings and emotions

I stop memory  I stop pictures   I stop conception

I stop comparison

I stop judgment

I stop impatience,  for I am patience   I am here

self placement

as long as i can remember i have struggled to understand how and where i am able to place myself within this world.  back in the old days of school,  i felt alienated,  like this world was not built for me and that must have come from somewhere else.   when i experienced  a 'spiritual awakening' and began to focus on spirituality and new age things,  that made me feel like i had found something but still i was not able to see how and where to really place myself effeectively in this world in order to make something happen in my life- 

now, in self honesty as i go through my entire self, everything i have allowed me to be,  i am able to see with stillness what is here before me- opportunities, resources -   i see them , i see that they are here,  whereas before i created all kinds of intent and visualizations regarding these resources, to the point where i was always waiting for things to come together and THEN i would be in the situation i need to be in on order to effectively live in this world.

in being here as breath,  applying self forgiveness,   i see the things which exist around me, which are what i have to work with, and it is a much different experience of observing the resources and determining what is an effective way to use them,  because now it is about me moving and directing me as those resources,  no more waiting for things to come together for me, because that never happened!   

as i become more stable and more still i see more opportunities as they are presented and i am able to observe how i react to those opportunites,  and if i react, i am able to look at the reaction and apply self forgiveness,  and move within and as that opprtunity.   

the question is, how may i apply this tool of directing myself within and as oppurtunity,  how do i effectively place myself,  how do i direct me AS opportunity.   the answer i come to is simply self honesty in every moment-  i have had a habit of judging what appears to be a stillness in my life, and in the judging i compound it and create the experience of stagnation.

it is entirely up to me to direct my life, and to transcend what appear to be walls preventing me from certain opportunities.  the walls are of my own creation and allowance and i must not allow myself to be overwhelmed by the walls of this world.  i must take this world into my own hands,  and with my own two hands i must direct me in it, as it.

the tendency in me has been to take this realization, and look at it and say to myself,  well,  if you are not DOING something right now, then what's the point of writing it over and over again?

but now i see that it is to write me as my words,  my words are me, and so i write me into this world through my words, as my words.

the self direction and self movement starts with me STOPPING all doubt, no more lingering or fixating on my interpretation of my experience in the moment,  but simply expressing me as the moment,  regardless of what this moment appears to be.  so in writing i express what i truly know myself to be, and that is life, direction, movement, creation within and as this world. 

the habit of analyzing my writing a bit and then turning it into something based on my analysis, is what is limiting me and keeping me from self direction, keeping me from seeing all opportunities, because i waiting for a dramatic experience of action and movement to prove to myself that i am indeed moving.  in this waiting i am postponing my self movement, and prolonging the experience of waiting and.  i am only looking in the rear view mirror.

the habit of looking at the immense vastness of this world and becoming overwhelmed and discouraged is a problem.   this behavior only keeps me confined to a definition of myself as a small being wihtin this small body within this vast world,  instead of actualizing myself as this entire creation and world through constant application and dedication in the moment.  

if i am to edit the film of creation i must get to the cutting and pasting, get to work instead of watching the same raw footage over and over again, and not doing anything.  these raw clips are what i have here to work with with my own physical hands here in this moment and i must move my hands and direct the film.  in directing my own  film i direct the entire film creation, and hesitation only traps me in the perspective and perception that i am separate from the world around me.   

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to hesitate when presented with an opportunity, instead of moving wihtin that opportunity, realizing that it is me presenting me to me as opportunity

i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to trust myself to move within what is here in my life,  for what is here in my life is me, and to direct me as this creation i must direct me within and as what is here

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and discouraged by the size of this creation and amount of beings existing wihtin it,  instead of being here with what is in front of me and using it

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to wait for things to come together and shape themselves, instead of standing up and walking within what i have here before me, shaping through self movement and self applicaiton in every moment

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to judge my inner self application as being small and ineffective in changing the larger foundation of this creation

till here no further

i do not accept or allow myself to excuse myself from self honest responsibility and application 

in every moment

i do not accept or allow definitions within me

i do not accept or allow belief in an ideal within me

self definition

i find that in setting out to 'write something' or 'make a video' recently that there exists the perception that i ' must'   write something or 'should' make a video for the perceived reason that i 'should ' share something in order to assist.   

my experience of assisting others has changed dramatically in recent moments because i realize that it is simply not about assisting others for the sake of  helping them understand something in order to feel good about myself or feel that i have been productive in my 'purpose'  of assisting others.  it is about living here as me in every moment, and applying myself first in every way,  and then without 'setting out' to assist someone, provide assistance and direction for others as an expression of me, like breathing or walking, as something that arises unconditionally in the moment and in oneness and equality with and as the being. without reaction. without the need or want to tell something to someone. no pity, no judgment or comparison, simply directing all as me when it arises. 

i find that when i am writing something in a forum, chat or something like that, i observe my reaction and inner sensation as i am writing and see if i am writing for a reason, and letting the reason move me, or if i am writing as expression of me without being stimulated to act by a perceived reason or purpose.

am i writing to get a reaction which i will enjoy?  am i writing to show that i apparently 'know' something that someone else doesn't?  

i have seen within me recently that i have feared to simply let go of all reasons to move in my life, feared to simply exist here in moment, stopping completely.

this is because the strong sense of purpose i have felt from an early age created within me the 'sense' of purpose, the idea that i am here to do something and that i must express that sense of purpose to others, somehow make it known to others that there is more to life, more the world because of this sense of purpose that i feel.   

what i see that i ended up doing was defining 'who i am' as that sense of purpose.  and in defining me as a 'sense of purpose'   i then feared to lose that sense of purpose which consisted of ideas and beliefs about what and why i was here.  the reality is, in letting go and being self honest about me defining who i am as a sense of purpose, an idea of me being here to experience 'something beyond',   i have seen that 

i am still here without the definition of me 'being here for a reason'.  i see that in having allowed myself to define me in any way whatsoever, i have limited me, confining who i am to an idea of me.  i see that in defining myself as 'being here for a reason' i have feared losing that definition, feared leaving my body in which i apparently have experienced that definition, feared letting go utterly because in order to experience that idea and definition of me 'being here for a reason', i must remain as is confined within the definition, and letting go of everything must include letting go of any sense or idea of me 'being here for a reason'.

it's really quite fascinating the way the mind fucks.  

reacting not living!!!!!!

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe i must share my perspective, instead of focusing on me

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself speak from the starting point of reaction moving within me instead of STOPPING and applying self forgiveness

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge another's perspective

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe i must prove me to another

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define me as knowledge and information

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear invalidation of me

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to compare me to others

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe i must convince another of me

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to be self dishonest in my speaking

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to prove another wrong

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define who I am as information

I do not accept or allow comparison within me

i do not accept or allow judgment within me

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress anger within me

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge my anger as being inferior, thereby separating me from my anger

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want validation of me

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want to be acknowledged

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to desire to be right

i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that if i am speaking from reaction or any movement within me at all, i am in the mind and am not living that which i believe i must tell someone

stuff

stuff,possessions, and the idea that we have to escape them to feel free is what i am dealing with in the moment. i do not accept the belief that if i go away from my stuff i will somehow solve this feeling. this is separation and me avoiding myself in this moment.

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to separate stuff from me thereby allowing it to overwhelm me
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that things will change by waiting
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that i am unable to walk through this feeling and stand up
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that i am unable to organize
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that i am unable to be my own solution
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that i am unable to apply myself
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to feel helpless
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to rely on apparent outside forces to guide me through my life
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that there is any other solution than me here in the moment

suppressed anger

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress my anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear my own anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to blame julia for my anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge my anger
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the reason i have been smoking is to inflict my own anger upon myself which i have suppressed within me through judging it
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i have judged my own anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress my frustration
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to suppress my self judgment
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to judge julia as being an oppressor of me within our relationship
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the reason i felt oppressed in the relationship was because i was not being self honest and so felt anger and so suppressed my anger within me and placed the blame on julia
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear releasing my anger
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the feeling of satisfaction i et when smoking is me relying on an external source of comfort and peace instead of confronting my suppressed anger and frustration and being self honest about it
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that i do not have anger
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the reason i am annoyed by people is not because of them but because of my own suppressed anger manifesting as annoyance within me
i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that it is totally my responsibility to be honest about my anger and confront it in every moment
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear hurting others through my anger, thereby judging my anger and suppressing it
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to close myself off from my suppressed emotions instead of confronting them and being self honest about what i have allowed
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to resent myself because of my anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to resent my anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to resent others and blame them for my anger instead of taking responsibility for myself
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to want the attention and recognition and admiration of others to distract myself from my own suppressed anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to resent and blame life as the source of my anger
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to resent my own anger

I realize the extent of my dependency on things 'happening' to me to make me move, to create action and direction seemingly. in simply being here without being occupied by visualizations and imaginations in my mind, I see how I have not been effectively moving myself by standing as movement, as direction as who I am in every moment of breath. it is overwhelming and causing me to slip into the apparent stagnation which I see only really exists when I am in the now of consciousness, as stagnation seems to be a feeling of there being nothing happening in the present moment. waiting for things to come to me, to shape themselves in front of me so I can then move into those things. a linear sequence of time moments experienced through consciousness. It feels as if life is a burden which I want to slough off like an oppressive blanket. there are very few obligations for me to busy myself with so I am left to my self and I must stand up within this stuck feeling. I do this and then each time I fall back into apathy because I see that I rely on immediate things to do and apply myself to, other than simply applying myself to me in every moment, living movement. when nothing presents itself I go into a state of 'fuck it', I don't care, I see no reason to try and force myself to participate in this world

I have realized that although there is much self forgiveness yet to do, I do not have to believe that I must accomplish a certain level or amount of self forgiveness before I am able to begin or 'have the right' to express myself totally wherever I am. I have noticed that there has been a certain degree of self identity in myself as a 'student' under 'teachers' (desteni), which I have been allowing to limit me and my expression and assistance of others through judging myself not quite 'there yet'. why should I wait? there is no waiting. I do not allow myself to limit my experience of myself HERE in every moment through allowing my thoughts to have power over me. the self judgment I have allowed and the idea that I am 'less than' or less able to assist and support others, is all in my mind and only exists through my acceptance and allowance of it. I have proved to myself that I am able to release all fear when in public among strangers, and express my perspective to them as I stand there in the moment as who I really am. therefore I do not accept or allow limitation within me.
I do not accept or allow comparison within me. I do not accept or allow judgment within me. I do not accept or allow waiting within me. I do not accept or allow procrastination within me.
I am HERE as all as who I am.
I am direction and power and movement within the moment, therefore I am beneath no one.
I am support
I am assistance
I am guidance
I am direction
I am one and equal to all as me. that is who I am and I do not accept myself as being anything less than all as one as equal as who I am in every moment.
I am here, there is no waiting, there is no expectation. I do not allow expectation within me. I do not allow doubt within me. I do not allow inferiority within me. I do not allow superiority within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am beneath any other
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must 'reach a certain point in my process before I have earned the right and ability to properly assist and support myself and others'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit my empowerment by believing that certain others are more than me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect moments of realization
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give away my power in this moment to a non existent picture within my mind of 'myself' experiencing a non existent 'higher perception and awareness' This is me allowing myself to leave my breath as who I am in this moment. this is me participating in the mind and I DO NOT ALLOW THE MIND TO DIRECT ME.
I am direction in every moment
I do not accept or allow memories as pictures within me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the words I express
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to leave the moment and participate in the mind through judging my words
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am expressing myself honestly when I have premeditated something to say. that is not me in the moment as awareness as breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe it is difficult to remain as breath in every moment.
I am breath
I am life
I am expression
I am all
I am me
I am here
I am words
I am speaking
I am awareness
I am power
I am direction
I am silence
I am stillness
I am here in every moment

I noticed today that when I am speaking honestly and directly to people as who I am, there are points where I begin to react to their reactions to what I am saying. so, let's break it down. the feeling of adrenaline, or hot feeling in my solar plexus is obviously emotion and reaction taking place, which means I am not speaking from a starting point of stillness and silence as the breath, which is why I am reacting to others' reactions to what I am saying.
a list of my personality attributes:
-I enjoy the acknowledgment from others of me
-I feel need to teach people
-I do not accept consensus reality
-I become impatient with people who insist on a limited reality
-I find ways of defining myself as 'more aware' than others
-I fear what others will think if I express myself in total honesty to them
-I often define who I am as my actions and things that I have said
-I cannot abide oppression and suppression of life
-I become annoyed and irritated with petty things people do very easily
-I often hide behind the identity of knowledge and my actions
-I am quick to belief
-I am not always self honest with myself when I am feeding my ego
-I am concerned about my presentation
-I worry about getting 'worked up and fiery' when speaking honestly
hmm, I'll start with that

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect and allow myself to react to my own experience of honest expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need the acknowledgment of others
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become annoyed with others, participating in comparing myself to others and forming judgments about them
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in raising myself above others
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in raising myself above others I am participating in and allowing myself to define myself as my ego
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become impatient with others
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that impatience does not exist
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and judge people as their reactions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create hypothetical non existent picture moments within my mind and to limit myself based on fear of what I have created in my mind which is not who I am
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing my emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define expression as being of emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed and controlled by emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by my thoughts
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not aware of my breath then I am in the mind and I am allowing the mind to direct me, instead of me directing me self honestly in every moment
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make excuses for not doing self forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear doing self forgiveness because I fear losing my mind which is what I have defined me as
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing what I have defined to be the 'proper way to behave in public'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to by controlled and directed by fear
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to form beliefs by participating in thoughts
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel doubt, instead of realizing that doubt is my mind fearing to lose itself, fearing to lose what I have defined me to be

I am not the mind
I am not thoughts
I am not pictures
I am stillness
I am silence
I am breath
I am here
I am life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel hesitant about expressing myself honestly during conversations with my family members, for fear of sounding rude or offending them, or alienating them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my sister
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my dad
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my mom
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my brother
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as nice
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself based on fears of the emotional reactions of others
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by reactions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as feelings
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the polarity of judging things nice and mean
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the polarity of judging things caring or uncaring
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my feelings, instead of applying self forgiveness

so as long as I am experiencing a physical sensation and effect when smoking, I have systems which are unresolved, and I have more self forgiveness to apply.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept that plants such as tobacco, or coffee for that matter, will effect me with some sensation when I use it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that tobacco 'causes' a physical sensation and effect
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as long as I am experiencing an effect when participating in smoking or drinking coffee or alcohol, I have unresolved systems in place that I am allowing to control me and have power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a physical effect when smoking
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define tobacco as being able to produce an effect on me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define coffee as being able to have an effect on me
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am avoiding smoking for fear of an effect it will produce in me, then I am giving my power away to smoking and allowing myself to expect and accept that an effect will occur
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe certain things will not assist me based on fear of an effect that it will cause in me, instead of simply preferring it or not preferring it.
I am oneness and equality as all plants, all life, all food, all substances, all drugs, all manifestations in existence as who I am
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in memories of effects that certain things have caused in me, thereby defining those things as memories of those effects, and accepting and allowing those things to cause an effect in me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate anything from me as who I am as all
as one as equal as who I am as life
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to allow memories to direct me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when I smoke I am experiencing a moment less than other moments

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power away to cigarettes, thereby allowing them to control me when I am smoking, thereby allowing the desire to smoke direct me instead of me directing me in every moment
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect myself to reach points of realization
thereby allowing expectation to control me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify the desire to smoke by convincing myself that it is 'ok' to smoke, thereby acknowledging within myself that there are things that are not 'ok' to do, which is me participating in polarity

self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as knowledge
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as information
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as my actions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create picture memories of my expressions in the moment, thereby participating in the mind and defining myself as my actions as memories as pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is outside of myself, separate from me, thereby participating in separation and creating the need and desire for money
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that money is one and equal to me as me as a manifested expression of life as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that abundance is separate from me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge money
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am abundance
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I must accept the money system
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power away to money, thereby lowering my worth to less than that of money
I forgive myself that I have allowed systems to have power over me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define money as power
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define money as having value
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I must have money to survive
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power away to anything
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to abide in every moment, as the moment, living self honesty, directing myself in the moment according to who I am as life
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe it is difficult to stop the mind
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that thoughts occur without my allowing them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by thoughts

I am abundance
I am existence
I am expression
I am power
I am self control
I am self discipline
I am direction
I am here in every moment

all the way

I realized last night that I must go all the way in living self honesty. There are some things which make me feel quite uncomfortable when I picture others reading about them. But...I can't be free if I'm still shackled. I must stand up all the way. Besides, why should I fear? I am LIFE itself! I am one and equal to all! As long as I'm fearing others' reactions I am a slave. How could I possibly be tempted to choose limitation and enslavement?! I DO NOT allow the mind to control me. Regardless of my entire life up until now with my family and friends, I must let go, I must live self expression of who I am as life in every moment. I must dare myself, I must dare to leap out into thin air

'fashion'

'Till here no further: I do not allow the mind to manipulate or direct my experience, or to keep me from expressing who I am as Life as one and equal with all existence, living self honesty in every moment as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be concerned about how my 'friends' will react to the clothing I wear. That is mind consciousness system bullshit and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge clothing based on ideas of what is 'interesting' and what is 'not interesting'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge clothing based on its 'originality'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear how others will react if I wear something 'uncharacteristic' of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to choose clothing based on what I perceive others' reactions will be

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wear clothing according to what I feel will enhance my appearance, to appear 'more attractive'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge clothing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my naked physical appearance

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide insecurities about my physical body behind clothing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my physical body based on 'standards'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any reaction I have to the appearance of my physical body is due to me allowing myself to participate in the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to wear clothing that will make me appear 'interesting'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wear clothing which hides certain aspects of my physical body which I am insecure about

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live total self honesty in every moment as the true expression of who I am as life as all as one as equal to all of existence within and as this moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define clothing with pictures and reactions and memories and thoughts in my mind, I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge modern clothing as a result of my allowing myself to identify who I am as pictures and memories and thoughts/feelings/emotions within the mind, and I am not the mind

'Till here no further: I do not allow the mind to influence the clothing I wear

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge others based on the clothing they wear

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to what others wear

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to react

myspace, this is for you

It's one thing to start applying self honesty with yourself in every moment, when you're by yourself , but it's amazing the kind of bullshit fear and anxiety and worry and shit you start to feel when you 'picture' others seeing your self honesty, for instance your 'friends' reading your blog.
so therefore I am posting a bulletin on myspace linking to this blog so that everyone can come and read it. It's too easy to remain anonymous on the internet, too easy to hide behind constructed 'images' of yourself through shit like myspace.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what others might think of my honest expression of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind my personality thereby avoiding self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear I feel about what others might think, is simply me participating in the mind, and it is the mind which is feeling threatened because of fear of loss of itself.

I stand up within myself as the true expression of who I am as all as one as equal as all of life as all of existence within and as the breath within and as the moment as who I am as LIFE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel fear of loss through allowing myself to participate in the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the feeling of claustrophobia or tightness in the chest I feel sometimes when I am around certain people and they are speaking about certain things, is me not allowing myself to express total self honesty in that moment, is me participating in the mind and reacting to the words that person is saying, thereby producing feelings of anxiety or worry that If I express myself honestly in that moment then the person might be 'offended' or other such bullshit

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to be manipulated, influenced directed or enslaved by the mind in any way

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live self honesty in every moment as the true expression of who I am as life as all as one as equal

bathtime expression

This evening, I was having a bath after playing some harmonium and singing, and I had brought my singing bowl in the tub with me. Singing bowls are really beautiful things and when you float them on the water and strike the side with the mallet, you can feel the sound vibrating through the water....which is really cool cause the water is liquid sound, and I am sound and the bowl is sound and is producing sound which is vibrating through the water!!! anyway one thing led to another and all these watery vibrations led to me masturbating there in the tub which was a liberating experience, as I did not experience pictures of 'sex' or think about 'sex' while masturbating! I simply was enjoying myself and breathing! and when I 'finished' as it were, I did not feel any feelings of guilt or feel that I had just given something away, like I always did after masturbation inspired by/accompanied by pictures and such. It's funny because I never was one to keep a journal, I always felt like I didn't have anything to write about because I was satisfied with 'thinking' about my life from moment to moment. It's very freeing to be able to express myself as who I am through my words on this blog. The mind really gets in the way of us expressing ourselves; so much damn inhibition and restraint and timidness what a limiting waste of time it is to think!!!

observations on impatience, anticipation

So today, sitting at work, I start to really notice how much subtle anticipation and impatience I am feeling, thinking about when I will get off work. It's a clothing store, and there was no one there at the moment, so I started breaking down the feeling out loud. It seems that most of the time when I'm in a situation where I'm obligated to do something in some way, I immediately start subtly picturing myself at the end of that situation, when the obligation has been met and I can go back to using my attention as I please. But, if I am HERE, as the moment, as the breath, as all of existence as life as one, then obviously the feeling of anticipation of a 'future' moment is a function of the mind, and I am not the mind. Really amazing the kinds of subtle mind mischief we allow ourselves to participate in. So, more self forgiveness!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to picture a 'future' moment in which I feel 'more free'. These 'future' moments do not exist, as I AM the moment, HERE as breath as life as one as who I am. This picture fantasy of a future moment is simply me allowing myself to be manipulated by the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that impatience does not exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that anticipation does not exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to identify my life as a series of moments which I have allowed myself to project my attention into

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that abiding within and as the moment as breath is difficult in various situations and circumstances

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that life consists of pictures

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to my experience of myself in the moment, and to compare my experience to memories of other moments within my mind. I am not the mind, I am not memories, I am not duality. These things are of the mind, and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to identify who I am as the mind

fantasy

Only now, through becoming aware of the mind and personality as a system, have I been able to realize why I always felt that my images of the future were somewhat unattainable, like somehow they were too good to be true or something. I realize that all my fantasies and 'visualizations' were constructs of the mind which I was creating with thoughts, by allowing myself to identify myself as this character, if you will, operating in the world. No wonder I kept experiencing what I termed and what has been described as 'backsliding' in the process of 'ascension'. Only now do I recognize a small, icky feeling that was always kind of there in the background as I was experiencing the advancement through 'levels' of 'consciousness'. It seems now that my intuition and inner knowing is coming into its own, and being allowed to be expressed more fully by me as who I am, not simply as a 'part' of me which felt like it was coming through from a higher source, from a higher part of myself 'somewhere'. How totally amusing that that 'somewhere' was indeed HERE, right now in this moment as ME! I AM intuition, I am that essence of myself that felt as if it was guiding me before.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am being 'guided' by some force or influence other than myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to slip into the mind and react to my experience of myself in this moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the mind by classifying and quantifying my experience of myself as who I am in this moment. Those are reactions and thoughts that I have allowed myself to participate in, and I am not thoughts I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed myself to keep upgrading and tweaking my personality within the mind by participating in thoughts, pictures and reactions to what I am doing. I am not my personality, I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define things with and according to pictures in my mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that pictures are of the mind and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react emotionally to my experience of myself in the moment. I am not reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'difficulty' exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that a 'future moment' exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel impatient. Impatience is me allowing myself to participate in thinking in pictures about a future moment which does not exist. I am not the mind, therefore I am not impatience, nor does impatience exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I am more aware than others. I cannot be more aware because I am awareness within and as oneness I am one and equal, therefore I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to identify who I am as my personality, therefore allowing myself to participate in thoughts and reactions and emotions of polarity and separation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express total self honesty as who I am in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide from myself and from my responsibilities by thinking

whew.

my immediate world

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind my immediate
world thereby not taking full responsibility within myself for myself and what I have allowed

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that temptations are of the mind and that I have been allowing and accepting them in order to distract myself from taking full responsibility in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that as I 'progress' through my process I am able to justify indulging in temptations because I 'deserve' moments of lust

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize I have accepted and allowed the temptation to indulge in picture fantasies to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and pictures of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as pictures within the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define sexual pleasure as something that is accompanied by pictures

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to associate the human physical body with pictures

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed myself to try and validate or justify my sexual lust

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that self control can have a limit

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am all as one as equal as god within and as life, so I am self control

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fantasies are of the mind of thoughts feelings and emotions and reactions and that I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place trust and faith in anyone other than myself, thereby hiding behind trust of another and avoiding self honesty and self responsibility in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that only when I attain certain levels of perception will I feel fulfilled and satisfied

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that attainment exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fantasize about future moments when the world will be heaven on earth which is really just myself participating in pictures within the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the true expression of who I am as self honesty as the breath as life in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind 'ascension' thereby not taking total responsibility in every moment as life, as breath, standing within oneness and equality in every moment as the true expression of I AM

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to picture I AM as a 'higher' part of myself which is existing above me and separate from me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I AM is who I AM within and as this moment as oneness and equality

I AM BREATH

I AM LIFE

I AM SELF HONESTY

I AM HERE

I AM ALL THAT IS

I AM THAT WHEREBY I BREATHE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react emotionally to this process thereby participating in and supporting my ego

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as the ego within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass judgement based on ideas of attractiveness and unattractiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define human beings as pictures accompanied by definitions and reactions consisting of more pictures and thoughts and reactions

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all attractiveness and unattractiveness is polarity which exists of the mind and which I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in by letting thoughts feelings, pictures, reactions, emotions control and manipulate me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel like I understand the process of awakening my awareness 'more' than 'others'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all others are within and as myself in this moment, as life as breath and when I judge others I am judging myself and accepting and allowing myself to participate and support separation

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide within my mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define desteni as 'exclusive' or 'more advanced'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by my ego which is of the mind, and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need thoughts to exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need ego to exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that separation exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to be controlled by the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'fall' from the moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the need to achieve a 'balance' between 'worldly' and 'spiritual' is separation and polarity and is of the mind, and I AM not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the earth is somehow separate from heaven

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as who I am as oneness and equality within and as life as breath as total self honesty and self responsibility in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that desteni and the people involved are 'exclusive' and that I must gain approval and aknowledgement by showing that I understand the process

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place trust and faith in others, thereby avoiding full responsibility and self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that need for aknowledgement and approval is a construct of thoughts feelings and emotions within the mind, and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wonder what others think of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that what others think of me matters, for that is a concern of the mind and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as self as self honesty within and as oneness and equality in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as life, I am eternally awake within and as this moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'tiredness' exists

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is the mind that becomes 'tired' through my accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind, I am not the mind

self forgiveness

I am life, I am oneness and equality standing within and as this moment, as breath. I am all that is within and as existence, as the creator. I am responsible for allowing myself to participate in the mind, and I am responsible for not allowing myself to express total self honesty in every moment.
writing helps me express self honesty because I am seeing the words that I am expressing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the experience of a feeling of 'attainment' of a 'higher' level of consciousness is simply the mind reacting within and as thoughts feelings emotions pictures and memories

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am here as a 'lightworker' helping to ground the 'divine light' on earth

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I have termed the 'divine light' is a construct within my thoughts feelings and emotions, within my mind, a system

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that outside 'forces of light' are going to intervene if a certain situation arises on the earth

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'fall'

I am life, within and as this moment standing as oneness and equality as the breath

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that spiritual things are higher than not directly spiritual things

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'spiritual things' are a construct of the mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in

must leave for work now