my experience of assisting others has changed dramatically in recent moments because i realize that it is simply not about assisting others for the sake of helping them understand something in order to feel good about myself or feel that i have been productive in my 'purpose' of assisting others. it is about living here as me in every moment, and applying myself first in every way, and then without 'setting out' to assist someone, provide assistance and direction for others as an expression of me, like breathing or walking, as something that arises unconditionally in the moment and in oneness and equality with and as the being. without reaction. without the need or want to tell something to someone. no pity, no judgment or comparison, simply directing all as me when it arises.
i find that when i am writing something in a forum, chat or something like that, i observe my reaction and inner sensation as i am writing and see if i am writing for a reason, and letting the reason move me, or if i am writing as expression of me without being stimulated to act by a perceived reason or purpose.
am i writing to get a reaction which i will enjoy? am i writing to show that i apparently 'know' something that someone else doesn't?
i have seen within me recently that i have feared to simply let go of all reasons to move in my life, feared to simply exist here in moment, stopping completely.
this is because the strong sense of purpose i have felt from an early age created within me the 'sense' of purpose, the idea that i am here to do something and that i must express that sense of purpose to others, somehow make it known to others that there is more to life, more the world because of this sense of purpose that i feel.
what i see that i ended up doing was defining 'who i am' as that sense of purpose. and in defining me as a 'sense of purpose' i then feared to lose that sense of purpose which consisted of ideas and beliefs about what and why i was here. the reality is, in letting go and being self honest about me defining who i am as a sense of purpose, an idea of me being here to experience 'something beyond', i have seen that
i am still here without the definition of me 'being here for a reason'. i see that in having allowed myself to define me in any way whatsoever, i have limited me, confining who i am to an idea of me. i see that in defining myself as 'being here for a reason' i have feared losing that definition, feared leaving my body in which i apparently have experienced that definition, feared letting go utterly because in order to experience that idea and definition of me 'being here for a reason', i must remain as is confined within the definition, and letting go of everything must include letting go of any sense or idea of me 'being here for a reason'.
it's really quite fascinating the way the mind fucks.
1 comment:
Paradoxes come up in my mind all the time when I try to understand or comprehend what I am supposed to do now. It got so bad that I was thinking whether or not I should be thinking about not thinking. And the only solution was the easiest, just be. I realize the perfection of what is and if I truly believe that then I cannot make a mistake. But then I start thinking again, "what if I go back to how I was?", "Am I supposed to be doing something right now?" and just like that I am back in the paradox again. My best solution is to watch my thought and emotions intensely, and whenever they pop their little head out I literally grab it with my fingers and throw it away. And what ends up happening is total non judgment. Then my mind tricks me with a feeling of having no purpose, and in reality I cannot argue, so all I do is grab that thought and throw it away, if it comes up again then throw it away again. I found my life has been dictated by these internal "arguments", and now my choices are just being here and now or thought paradox.
I am deception
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