I realize the extent of my dependency on things 'happening' to me to make me move, to create action and direction seemingly. in simply being here without being occupied by visualizations and imaginations in my mind, I see how I have not been effectively moving myself by standing as movement, as direction as who I am in every moment of breath. it is overwhelming and causing me to slip into the apparent stagnation which I see only really exists when I am in the now of consciousness, as stagnation seems to be a feeling of there being nothing happening in the present moment. waiting for things to come to me, to shape themselves in front of me so I can then move into those things. a linear sequence of time moments experienced through consciousness. It feels as if life is a burden which I want to slough off like an oppressive blanket. there are very few obligations for me to busy myself with so I am left to my self and I must stand up within this stuck feeling. I do this and then each time I fall back into apathy because I see that I rely on immediate things to do and apply myself to, other than simply applying myself to me in every moment, living movement. when nothing presents itself I go into a state of 'fuck it', I don't care, I see no reason to try and force myself to participate in this world