Thursday, January 31, 2008

all the way

I realized last night that I must go all the way in living self honesty. There are some things which make me feel quite uncomfortable when I picture others reading about them. But...I can't be free if I'm still shackled. I must stand up all the way. Besides, why should I fear? I am LIFE itself! I am one and equal to all! As long as I'm fearing others' reactions I am a slave. How could I possibly be tempted to choose limitation and enslavement?! I DO NOT allow the mind to control me. Regardless of my entire life up until now with my family and friends, I must let go, I must live self expression of who I am as life in every moment. I must dare myself, I must dare to leap out into thin air

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

'fashion'

'Till here no further: I do not allow the mind to manipulate or direct my experience, or to keep me from expressing who I am as Life as one and equal with all existence, living self honesty in every moment as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be concerned about how my 'friends' will react to the clothing I wear. That is mind consciousness system bullshit and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge clothing based on ideas of what is 'interesting' and what is 'not interesting'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge clothing based on its 'originality'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear how others will react if I wear something 'uncharacteristic' of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to choose clothing based on what I perceive others' reactions will be

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wear clothing according to what I feel will enhance my appearance, to appear 'more attractive'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge clothing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my naked physical appearance

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide insecurities about my physical body behind clothing

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my physical body based on 'standards'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that any reaction I have to the appearance of my physical body is due to me allowing myself to participate in the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need to wear clothing that will make me appear 'interesting'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wear clothing which hides certain aspects of my physical body which I am insecure about

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live total self honesty in every moment as the true expression of who I am as life as all as one as equal to all of existence within and as this moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define clothing with pictures and reactions and memories and thoughts in my mind, I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge modern clothing as a result of my allowing myself to identify who I am as pictures and memories and thoughts/feelings/emotions within the mind, and I am not the mind

'Till here no further: I do not allow the mind to influence the clothing I wear

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge others based on the clothing they wear

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to what others wear

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to react

Sunday, January 27, 2008

myspace, this is for you

It's one thing to start applying self honesty with yourself in every moment, when you're by yourself , but it's amazing the kind of bullshit fear and anxiety and worry and shit you start to feel when you 'picture' others seeing your self honesty, for instance your 'friends' reading your blog.
so therefore I am posting a bulletin on myspace linking to this blog so that everyone can come and read it. It's too easy to remain anonymous on the internet, too easy to hide behind constructed 'images' of yourself through shit like myspace.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what others might think of my honest expression of myself

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind my personality thereby avoiding self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear I feel about what others might think, is simply me participating in the mind, and it is the mind which is feeling threatened because of fear of loss of itself.

I stand up within myself as the true expression of who I am as all as one as equal as all of life as all of existence within and as the breath within and as the moment as who I am as LIFE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel fear of loss through allowing myself to participate in the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the feeling of claustrophobia or tightness in the chest I feel sometimes when I am around certain people and they are speaking about certain things, is me not allowing myself to express total self honesty in that moment, is me participating in the mind and reacting to the words that person is saying, thereby producing feelings of anxiety or worry that If I express myself honestly in that moment then the person might be 'offended' or other such bullshit

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to be manipulated, influenced directed or enslaved by the mind in any way

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live self honesty in every moment as the true expression of who I am as life as all as one as equal


Friday, January 25, 2008

bathtime expression

This evening, I was having a bath after playing some harmonium and singing, and I had brought my singing bowl in the tub with me. Singing bowls are really beautiful things and when you float them on the water and strike the side with the mallet, you can feel the sound vibrating through the water....which is really cool cause the water is liquid sound, and I am sound and the bowl is sound and is producing sound which is vibrating through the water!!! anyway one thing led to another and all these watery vibrations led to me masturbating there in the tub which was a liberating experience, as I did not experience pictures of 'sex' or think about 'sex' while masturbating! I simply was enjoying myself and breathing! and when I 'finished' as it were, I did not feel any feelings of guilt or feel that I had just given something away, like I always did after masturbation inspired by/accompanied by pictures and such. It's funny because I never was one to keep a journal, I always felt like I didn't have anything to write about because I was satisfied with 'thinking' about my life from moment to moment. It's very freeing to be able to express myself as who I am through my words on this blog. The mind really gets in the way of us expressing ourselves; so much damn inhibition and restraint and timidness what a limiting waste of time it is to think!!!

observations on impatience, anticipation

So today, sitting at work, I start to really notice how much subtle anticipation and impatience I am feeling, thinking about when I will get off work. It's a clothing store, and there was no one there at the moment, so I started breaking down the feeling out loud. It seems that most of the time when I'm in a situation where I'm obligated to do something in some way, I immediately start subtly picturing myself at the end of that situation, when the obligation has been met and I can go back to using my attention as I please. But, if I am HERE, as the moment, as the breath, as all of existence as life as one, then obviously the feeling of anticipation of a 'future' moment is a function of the mind, and I am not the mind. Really amazing the kinds of subtle mind mischief we allow ourselves to participate in. So, more self forgiveness!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to picture a 'future' moment in which I feel 'more free'. These 'future' moments do not exist, as I AM the moment, HERE as breath as life as one as who I am. This picture fantasy of a future moment is simply me allowing myself to be manipulated by the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that impatience does not exist

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that anticipation does not exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to identify my life as a series of moments which I have allowed myself to project my attention into

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that abiding within and as the moment as breath is difficult in various situations and circumstances

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that life consists of pictures

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to my experience of myself in the moment, and to compare my experience to memories of other moments within my mind. I am not the mind, I am not memories, I am not duality. These things are of the mind, and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to identify who I am as the mind



Thursday, January 24, 2008

fantasy

Only now, through becoming aware of the mind and personality as a system, have I been able to realize why I always felt that my images of the future were somewhat unattainable, like somehow they were too good to be true or something. I realize that all my fantasies and 'visualizations' were constructs of the mind which I was creating with thoughts, by allowing myself to identify myself as this character, if you will, operating in the world. No wonder I kept experiencing what I termed and what has been described as 'backsliding' in the process of 'ascension'. Only now do I recognize a small, icky feeling that was always kind of there in the background as I was experiencing the advancement through 'levels' of 'consciousness'. It seems now that my intuition and inner knowing is coming into its own, and being allowed to be expressed more fully by me as who I am, not simply as a 'part' of me which felt like it was coming through from a higher source, from a higher part of myself 'somewhere'. How totally amusing that that 'somewhere' was indeed HERE, right now in this moment as ME! I AM intuition, I am that essence of myself that felt as if it was guiding me before.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am being 'guided' by some force or influence other than myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to slip into the mind and react to my experience of myself in this moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the mind by classifying and quantifying my experience of myself as who I am in this moment. Those are reactions and thoughts that I have allowed myself to participate in, and I am not thoughts I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed myself to keep upgrading and tweaking my personality within the mind by participating in thoughts, pictures and reactions to what I am doing. I am not my personality, I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define things with and according to pictures in my mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that pictures are of the mind and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react emotionally to my experience of myself in the moment. I am not reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'difficulty' exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that a 'future moment' exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel impatient. Impatience is me allowing myself to participate in thinking in pictures about a future moment which does not exist. I am not the mind, therefore I am not impatience, nor does impatience exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I am more aware than others. I cannot be more aware because I am awareness within and as oneness I am one and equal, therefore I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to identify who I am as my personality, therefore allowing myself to participate in thoughts and reactions and emotions of polarity and separation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express total self honesty as who I am in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide from myself and from my responsibilities by thinking

whew.

my immediate world

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind my immediate
world thereby not taking full responsibility within myself for myself and what I have allowed

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that temptations are of the mind and that I have been allowing and accepting them in order to distract myself from taking full responsibility in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that as I 'progress' through my process I am able to justify indulging in temptations because I 'deserve' moments of lust

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize I have accepted and allowed the temptation to indulge in picture fantasies to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and pictures of sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as pictures within the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define sexual pleasure as something that is accompanied by pictures

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to associate the human physical body with pictures

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed myself to try and validate or justify my sexual lust

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that self control can have a limit

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as I am all as one as equal as god within and as life, so I am self control

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fantasies are of the mind of thoughts feelings and emotions and reactions and that I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place trust and faith in anyone other than myself, thereby hiding behind trust of another and avoiding self honesty and self responsibility in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that only when I attain certain levels of perception will I feel fulfilled and satisfied

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that attainment exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fantasize about future moments when the world will be heaven on earth which is really just myself participating in pictures within the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the true expression of who I am as self honesty as the breath as life in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide behind 'ascension' thereby not taking total responsibility in every moment as life, as breath, standing within oneness and equality in every moment as the true expression of I AM

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to picture I AM as a 'higher' part of myself which is existing above me and separate from me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I AM is who I AM within and as this moment as oneness and equality

I AM BREATH

I AM LIFE

I AM SELF HONESTY

I AM HERE

I AM ALL THAT IS

I AM THAT WHEREBY I BREATHE

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react emotionally to this process thereby participating in and supporting my ego

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as the ego within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass judgement based on ideas of attractiveness and unattractiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define human beings as pictures accompanied by definitions and reactions consisting of more pictures and thoughts and reactions

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all attractiveness and unattractiveness is polarity which exists of the mind and which I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in by letting thoughts feelings, pictures, reactions, emotions control and manipulate me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel like I understand the process of awakening my awareness 'more' than 'others'

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all others are within and as myself in this moment, as life as breath and when I judge others I am judging myself and accepting and allowing myself to participate and support separation

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide within my mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define desteni as 'exclusive' or 'more advanced'

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled and manipulated by my ego which is of the mind, and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need thoughts to exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need ego to exist

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that separation exists

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to be controlled by the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'fall' from the moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the need to achieve a 'balance' between 'worldly' and 'spiritual' is separation and polarity and is of the mind, and I AM not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the earth is somehow separate from heaven

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself as who I am as oneness and equality within and as life as breath as total self honesty and self responsibility in every moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that desteni and the people involved are 'exclusive' and that I must gain approval and aknowledgement by showing that I understand the process

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place trust and faith in others, thereby avoiding full responsibility and self honesty in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that need for aknowledgement and approval is a construct of thoughts feelings and emotions within the mind, and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to wonder what others think of me

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that what others think of me matters, for that is a concern of the mind and I am not the mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as self as self honesty within and as oneness and equality in every moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as life, I am eternally awake within and as this moment

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'tiredness' exists

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is the mind that becomes 'tired' through my accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind, I am not the mind

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

self forgiveness

I am life, I am oneness and equality standing within and as this moment, as breath. I am all that is within and as existence, as the creator. I am responsible for allowing myself to participate in the mind, and I am responsible for not allowing myself to express total self honesty in every moment.
writing helps me express self honesty because I am seeing the words that I am expressing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the experience of a feeling of 'attainment' of a 'higher' level of consciousness is simply the mind reacting within and as thoughts feelings emotions pictures and memories

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am here as a 'lightworker' helping to ground the 'divine light' on earth

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I have termed the 'divine light' is a construct within my thoughts feelings and emotions, within my mind, a system

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that outside 'forces of light' are going to intervene if a certain situation arises on the earth

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am able to 'fall'

I am life, within and as this moment standing as oneness and equality as the breath

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that spiritual things are higher than not directly spiritual things

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'spiritual things' are a construct of the mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in

must leave for work now