self placement

as long as i can remember i have struggled to understand how and where i am able to place myself within this world.  back in the old days of school,  i felt alienated,  like this world was not built for me and that must have come from somewhere else.   when i experienced  a 'spiritual awakening' and began to focus on spirituality and new age things,  that made me feel like i had found something but still i was not able to see how and where to really place myself effeectively in this world in order to make something happen in my life- 

now, in self honesty as i go through my entire self, everything i have allowed me to be,  i am able to see with stillness what is here before me- opportunities, resources -   i see them , i see that they are here,  whereas before i created all kinds of intent and visualizations regarding these resources, to the point where i was always waiting for things to come together and THEN i would be in the situation i need to be in on order to effectively live in this world.

in being here as breath,  applying self forgiveness,   i see the things which exist around me, which are what i have to work with, and it is a much different experience of observing the resources and determining what is an effective way to use them,  because now it is about me moving and directing me as those resources,  no more waiting for things to come together for me, because that never happened!   

as i become more stable and more still i see more opportunities as they are presented and i am able to observe how i react to those opportunites,  and if i react, i am able to look at the reaction and apply self forgiveness,  and move within and as that opprtunity.   

the question is, how may i apply this tool of directing myself within and as oppurtunity,  how do i effectively place myself,  how do i direct me AS opportunity.   the answer i come to is simply self honesty in every moment-  i have had a habit of judging what appears to be a stillness in my life, and in the judging i compound it and create the experience of stagnation.

it is entirely up to me to direct my life, and to transcend what appear to be walls preventing me from certain opportunities.  the walls are of my own creation and allowance and i must not allow myself to be overwhelmed by the walls of this world.  i must take this world into my own hands,  and with my own two hands i must direct me in it, as it.

the tendency in me has been to take this realization, and look at it and say to myself,  well,  if you are not DOING something right now, then what's the point of writing it over and over again?

but now i see that it is to write me as my words,  my words are me, and so i write me into this world through my words, as my words.

the self direction and self movement starts with me STOPPING all doubt, no more lingering or fixating on my interpretation of my experience in the moment,  but simply expressing me as the moment,  regardless of what this moment appears to be.  so in writing i express what i truly know myself to be, and that is life, direction, movement, creation within and as this world. 

the habit of analyzing my writing a bit and then turning it into something based on my analysis, is what is limiting me and keeping me from self direction, keeping me from seeing all opportunities, because i waiting for a dramatic experience of action and movement to prove to myself that i am indeed moving.  in this waiting i am postponing my self movement, and prolonging the experience of waiting and.  i am only looking in the rear view mirror.

the habit of looking at the immense vastness of this world and becoming overwhelmed and discouraged is a problem.   this behavior only keeps me confined to a definition of myself as a small being wihtin this small body within this vast world,  instead of actualizing myself as this entire creation and world through constant application and dedication in the moment.  

if i am to edit the film of creation i must get to the cutting and pasting, get to work instead of watching the same raw footage over and over again, and not doing anything.  these raw clips are what i have here to work with with my own physical hands here in this moment and i must move my hands and direct the film.  in directing my own  film i direct the entire film creation, and hesitation only traps me in the perspective and perception that i am separate from the world around me.   

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to hesitate when presented with an opportunity, instead of moving wihtin that opportunity, realizing that it is me presenting me to me as opportunity

i forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to trust myself to move within what is here in my life,  for what is here in my life is me, and to direct me as this creation i must direct me within and as what is here

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and discouraged by the size of this creation and amount of beings existing wihtin it,  instead of being here with what is in front of me and using it

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to wait for things to come together and shape themselves, instead of standing up and walking within what i have here before me, shaping through self movement and self applicaiton in every moment

i forgive myself that i have allowed msyelf to judge my inner self application as being small and ineffective in changing the larger foundation of this creation