I realize the extent of my dependency on things 'happening' to me to make me move, to create action and direction seemingly. in simply being here without being occupied by visualizations and imaginations in my mind, I see how I have not been effectively moving myself by standing as movement, as direction as who I am in every moment of breath. it is overwhelming and causing me to slip into the apparent stagnation which I see only really exists when I am in the now of consciousness, as stagnation seems to be a feeling of there being nothing happening in the present moment. waiting for things to come to me, to shape themselves in front of me so I can then move into those things. a linear sequence of time moments experienced through consciousness. It feels as if life is a burden which I want to slough off like an oppressive blanket. there are very few obligations for me to busy myself with so I am left to my self and I must stand up within this stuck feeling. I do this and then each time I fall back into apathy because I see that I rely on immediate things to do and apply myself to, other than simply applying myself to me in every moment, living movement. when nothing presents itself I go into a state of 'fuck it', I don't care, I see no reason to try and force myself to participate in this world

I have realized that although there is much self forgiveness yet to do, I do not have to believe that I must accomplish a certain level or amount of self forgiveness before I am able to begin or 'have the right' to express myself totally wherever I am. I have noticed that there has been a certain degree of self identity in myself as a 'student' under 'teachers' (desteni), which I have been allowing to limit me and my expression and assistance of others through judging myself not quite 'there yet'. why should I wait? there is no waiting. I do not allow myself to limit my experience of myself HERE in every moment through allowing my thoughts to have power over me. the self judgment I have allowed and the idea that I am 'less than' or less able to assist and support others, is all in my mind and only exists through my acceptance and allowance of it. I have proved to myself that I am able to release all fear when in public among strangers, and express my perspective to them as I stand there in the moment as who I really am. therefore I do not accept or allow limitation within me.
I do not accept or allow comparison within me. I do not accept or allow judgment within me. I do not accept or allow waiting within me. I do not accept or allow procrastination within me.
I am HERE as all as who I am.
I am direction and power and movement within the moment, therefore I am beneath no one.
I am support
I am assistance
I am guidance
I am direction
I am one and equal to all as me. that is who I am and I do not accept myself as being anything less than all as one as equal as who I am in every moment.
I am here, there is no waiting, there is no expectation. I do not allow expectation within me. I do not allow doubt within me. I do not allow inferiority within me. I do not allow superiority within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am beneath any other
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must 'reach a certain point in my process before I have earned the right and ability to properly assist and support myself and others'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit my empowerment by believing that certain others are more than me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect moments of realization
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give away my power in this moment to a non existent picture within my mind of 'myself' experiencing a non existent 'higher perception and awareness' This is me allowing myself to leave my breath as who I am in this moment. this is me participating in the mind and I DO NOT ALLOW THE MIND TO DIRECT ME.
I am direction in every moment
I do not accept or allow memories as pictures within me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the words I express
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to leave the moment and participate in the mind through judging my words
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am expressing myself honestly when I have premeditated something to say. that is not me in the moment as awareness as breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe it is difficult to remain as breath in every moment.
I am breath
I am life
I am expression
I am all
I am me
I am here
I am words
I am speaking
I am awareness
I am power
I am direction
I am silence
I am stillness
I am here in every moment

I noticed today that when I am speaking honestly and directly to people as who I am, there are points where I begin to react to their reactions to what I am saying. so, let's break it down. the feeling of adrenaline, or hot feeling in my solar plexus is obviously emotion and reaction taking place, which means I am not speaking from a starting point of stillness and silence as the breath, which is why I am reacting to others' reactions to what I am saying.
a list of my personality attributes:
-I enjoy the acknowledgment from others of me
-I feel need to teach people
-I do not accept consensus reality
-I become impatient with people who insist on a limited reality
-I find ways of defining myself as 'more aware' than others
-I fear what others will think if I express myself in total honesty to them
-I often define who I am as my actions and things that I have said
-I cannot abide oppression and suppression of life
-I become annoyed and irritated with petty things people do very easily
-I often hide behind the identity of knowledge and my actions
-I am quick to belief
-I am not always self honest with myself when I am feeding my ego
-I am concerned about my presentation
-I worry about getting 'worked up and fiery' when speaking honestly
hmm, I'll start with that

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect and allow myself to react to my own experience of honest expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need the acknowledgment of others
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become annoyed with others, participating in comparing myself to others and forming judgments about them
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in raising myself above others
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in raising myself above others I am participating in and allowing myself to define myself as my ego
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become impatient with others
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that impatience does not exist
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and judge people as their reactions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create hypothetical non existent picture moments within my mind and to limit myself based on fear of what I have created in my mind which is not who I am
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing my emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define expression as being of emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed and controlled by emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by my thoughts
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not aware of my breath then I am in the mind and I am allowing the mind to direct me, instead of me directing me self honestly in every moment
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to make excuses for not doing self forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear doing self forgiveness because I fear losing my mind which is what I have defined me as
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing what I have defined to be the 'proper way to behave in public'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to by controlled and directed by fear
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to form beliefs by participating in thoughts
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel doubt, instead of realizing that doubt is my mind fearing to lose itself, fearing to lose what I have defined me to be

I am not the mind
I am not thoughts
I am not pictures
I am stillness
I am silence
I am breath
I am here
I am life

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel hesitant about expressing myself honestly during conversations with my family members, for fear of sounding rude or offending them, or alienating them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my sister
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my dad
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my mom
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by emotional preprogrammed attachments to my brother
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as nice
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself based on fears of the emotional reactions of others
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by reactions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as emotions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as feelings
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the polarity of judging things nice and mean
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in the polarity of judging things caring or uncaring
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my feelings, instead of applying self forgiveness

so as long as I am experiencing a physical sensation and effect when smoking, I have systems which are unresolved, and I have more self forgiveness to apply.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept that plants such as tobacco, or coffee for that matter, will effect me with some sensation when I use it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that tobacco 'causes' a physical sensation and effect
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that as long as I am experiencing an effect when participating in smoking or drinking coffee or alcohol, I have unresolved systems in place that I am allowing to control me and have power over me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a physical effect when smoking
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define tobacco as being able to produce an effect on me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define coffee as being able to have an effect on me
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am avoiding smoking for fear of an effect it will produce in me, then I am giving my power away to smoking and allowing myself to expect and accept that an effect will occur
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe certain things will not assist me based on fear of an effect that it will cause in me, instead of simply preferring it or not preferring it.
I am oneness and equality as all plants, all life, all food, all substances, all drugs, all manifestations in existence as who I am
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate in memories of effects that certain things have caused in me, thereby defining those things as memories of those effects, and accepting and allowing those things to cause an effect in me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate anything from me as who I am as all
as one as equal as who I am as life
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to allow memories to direct me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when I smoke I am experiencing a moment less than other moments

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power away to cigarettes, thereby allowing them to control me when I am smoking, thereby allowing the desire to smoke direct me instead of me directing me in every moment
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to expect myself to reach points of realization
thereby allowing expectation to control me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify the desire to smoke by convincing myself that it is 'ok' to smoke, thereby acknowledging within myself that there are things that are not 'ok' to do, which is me participating in polarity

self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as knowledge
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as information
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as my actions
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to create picture memories of my expressions in the moment, thereby participating in the mind and defining myself as my actions as memories as pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that money is outside of myself, separate from me, thereby participating in separation and creating the need and desire for money
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that money is one and equal to me as me as a manifested expression of life as me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that abundance is separate from me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge money
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am abundance
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I must accept the money system
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power away to money, thereby lowering my worth to less than that of money
I forgive myself that I have allowed systems to have power over me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define money as power
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define money as having value
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe I must have money to survive
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power away to anything
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to abide in every moment, as the moment, living self honesty, directing myself in the moment according to who I am as life
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe it is difficult to stop the mind
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that thoughts occur without my allowing them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by thoughts

I am abundance
I am existence
I am expression
I am power
I am self control
I am self discipline
I am direction
I am here in every moment